Dating in Provo: or the time he tried to hit a deer, wouldn't drop me off, and texted me by accident.

When I am introduced to new people through a mutual friend I am usually asked to tell one of my dating stories, “Rebecca, talk about that one time you went on a date and he wouldn’t let you leave,” is a pretty common one. Some of these stories I haven't even told my family members... So here you go public.

I love telling these stories mostly because they’re funny, but also because if they get spread around Provo maybe the guy who considers doing these horribly awkward not date-appropriate things before an outing with a girl will CHANGE HIS MIND.

I’m not writing this to make fun of boys.  I know it must take a lot of guts to ask a girl on a date, plan something to woo her over, and make meaningful conversation with a stranger for three hours.  Girls, you need to appreciate this when asked on a date.  It takes time, effort, and money on the guy’s part, you’re the one who’s along for the ride.  So be nice, say thank you, and maybe offer to help with the tip or something.

And for goodness sakes if you’re not interested don’t drag him along for free meals.

Okay, stepping off the soap box.

I do appreciate the time and effort that went into the dates I am writing about today.  What I don’t appreciate is being sent inappropriate texts meant for a roommate, trying to dine & dash, and so on.

I’m not trying to say that I am the perfect date. I haven’t always treated guys the way I should’ve.  I’m sure there have been times I have been asked out on a date and the guy can’t wait to get me home:

“Oh shoot she’s a lot taller than I remember.”

“Ok...this girl is really obsessed with dogs.”

“Why is she crying during this Pixar short?  The movie hasn’t even started…”

I am trying to learn from my mistakes though, which is why I dedicate this post to the guy who got me seats at conference and I never called him back after.  I really, really, really am sorry.  It’s been two years and I still think about it. That was terrible of me, but I am glad you didn’t waste any more time or money on me because I didn’t deserve to go on another date with you.  Trust me, I got my payback for that tenfold.  I hope you read this post and realize I got what I deserved.

My most…memorable… dates:

1. Tried to hit a deer on our date

Our first date was going on a hike.  This guy seems completely normal when he asks me out.  He picks me up and just like the scary movies I am slowly realizing this guy is unstable.  Also, he wants to go for a hike.  A hike sounded fine at first, but is starting to sound frightening in a life threatening sort of way.

This is it.  I am going to get murdered on this date.  All I’ve done is study my whole life, I have so much to live for.  Only the good die young Billy, only the good die young.

He does not bring water, he does not bring snacks (that is when I KNEW he was psycho.  Everyone brings snacks).  He quickly informs me he will be sharing my water.  (Well yeah because you’re going to push me off the mountain and I won’t need it when I’m dead).

As we are driving we see a deer.  If you know me at all you probably know that I love animals.  All animals.  He speeds up really close to the deer and it scampers off a few feet, he speeds up again,  the deer scampers again,  HE GOES OFF ROAD TO SCARE THE DEER AGAIN.  I am telling him to stop and that it’s not funny.  He puts the car in park, pulls out an imaginary machine gun, points it at the terrified deer, and yells “boomboomboomboom”.

I was definitely not getting out alive.

We start the hike and he proceeds to climb up trees and throw helicopter leaves for twenty minutes.  We see a snake and he pushes me in front of him.  We see a forty-year-old hippy man scaling the mountain and I call, “Be careful up there!”  I needed good karma for the Spirit World final judgment I was going to experience very soon. 

My date says, “Okay, this date might not be going well, but you don’t have to flirt with other men.”

He’s not kidding.

…What?  I ignored that.

He carves our names in a tree, trying to be romantic.  I respect the effort, but keep a watchful eye on the knife the entire time.  (Here let me hold the knife and you can hold my water).

We get home safely, did not actually hit a deer on the way back, and he drops me off.

I receive a text thirty seconds later.

“Want to watch a movie in my car?”

 I imagine myself stuffed in his trunk wrapped in plastic wrap. 

“No thank you.”

He then Facebook messages me for a few weeks about his eating habits and then left me alone.

Destiny’s Child, “I’m a survivor” playing in my head right now.

2. Texted me by accident:

Not a picture of me, but her face expression was probably close to mine at the time.

This one is a doozy.  This is the story I get people asking me to re-tell over and over again. 

We met at the gym (warning sign).  He got my number.  He took me to Thai Food (a good sign, nice work).  I let him know that my roommate has lost her apartment key and I need to keep my phone on me just in case she needs to pick up mine (I wasn’t lying, this was the truth).  My phone is on the table and he leaves his on the table too.

We are talking and he asks me a question. Apparently I bit my lip, but I didn’t notice that I did.  If I did actually bite my lip, it was in no way a sexy.  More like pull my bottom lip in and I look like a Who from Whoville lip bite.

Him: “You bite your lip a lot.”

Me: “Oh yeah sorry I need to work on that.”

Him: “Is it weird that, that turns me on?”

Me: (Long pause) “It’s weird that you just said that.”

Longer pause.  Next topic of conversation.

My phone vibrates and I check to see if it’s my roommate.  It is.  I am trying to figure out when I can get the key to her.  He grabs his phone and says he will text his roommate too and starts texting.  I put my phone down, so does he.

My phone vibrates.  I think it’s my roommate so I glance at it.

It’s from him, it reads, “Dates going well. Nice rack.”

NICE RACK. NICK RACK?!

The date was NOT going well and THAT’S IT?  Not even an, “She’s funny. Nice rack.”  “She likes Thai food.  Nice rack.”  “She has a sweet lisp.  Nice rack.”

NOTHING. 

I quickly put my phone down and glance out the window.  He seems fit so I can’t run away and jump out because he will catch me. 

Wise guy suddenly realizes that there is something wrong. Long pause.  His face falls.  He realizes.

Him:  Grabs his phone frantically, “OH SH*T”

Me: “Can we get this to go?  I think I am ready to go home.”

We get it to go.  Best believe I’m not leaving Thai food behind.

He drives me home.  It’s quiet.  He apologizes.  I tell him it’s okay, but I still think we should end the date early.  Quietest car ride ever.

Next day I get a text from him: “Rebecca I would love to take you out again and make up for that text!  I can’t seem to get you biting your lip out of my head ;)”.

No response.  Not. A. Chance. Not even the best Thai food in the world would keep my rack and me in that relationship.

3. Dine & Dash

     

We’ll make this one quick.  Nice, sociable, attractive guy.  Picks me up and takes me to a movie and wants to go to Happy Sumo (expensive sushi restaurant).  When he tells me this I am thinking that I will probably offer to pay for my own roll or at least cover the tip because this date is on the expensive side.

Little did I know.

Movie is over.  We go to Happy Sumo.  We eat our rolls.  Waiter gives us our check.

Him: “Now this is the fun part, we just walk out!”

Me: “Huh?”

Him: “We just walk out! Right now!  They’re busy so they won’t notice!”

Me: Obviously not understanding, “Oh…ok…want me to cover the tip?”

Him: “No, that defeats the purpose we are not paying.”

Me: Still not understanding, “Why?”

Him: Getting annoyed, “So we don’t have to pay.”

Me: Lightbulb, “You want to dine and dash?”

Him: “Yeah exactly!”

Me: “That’s stealing though.”

Him: “Don’t be such a prude.  It’s not a big deal.”

Me: “No, we need to pay.”

Him: “Well I’m not paying.”

We sit there just staring at each other.  Onlookers probably thought this was a tender moment, but really I wanted slap him with the check.

So I end up paying and he ended up dashing. Now I can officially claim that I took a guy out on a date.

4.  Wouldn’t Drop Me Off After

Literally, perfect depiction of how I felt.

This is another fast one.  I go on a date with this guy and it is a marathon date.  He really doesn't have a lot of it planned and we end up just driving around a lot and stopping into random shops.

After almost five hours I tell him I need to go home.

He drives me to my apartment and drives past the parking lot.

Me: Pointing, “Oh it’s just right there!”

Him: Driving past, “Woops I missed it!”

He drives around again, slows down by the parking lot….

Me: “Well thank you for today!”

Him: Speeds up the car, “You’re welcome.”

Me:  “Oh you missed the parking lot again.”

Him: Sarcastic voice, “Oh did I?  Woops looks like we have some more time on this date then!  I’ll turn around!”

He did this TWO MORE TIMES.

I like to think that I am generally a nice, patient person, but I was VERY done with this guy.

Me: “This really isn’t funny anymore.  You need to drop me off NOW.  If you pass my apartment one more time and not drop me off I WILL call the cops and tell them that you are kidnapping me."

Would it be considered kidnapping if you’re not a kid?  No matter.  He got the hint and dropped me off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are other dating stories.  Maybe for another time.  Guys, always drop your date off, don’t tell her she has a nice rack, pay for the meal, and do not try to hit Bambi with your car.

Like my sister says, “It doesn’t work out until it does.”

All of your relationships are going to fail until you find the one.  Enjoy the ride and write a blog post about it.